God is real, is he?

Hi. I think, somehow, God answered me, through a NON-CHRISTIAN BOOK that was rented from a bookstore out of impulse. It is written by the Author of “Ps : i love you”. Somewhere, between the pages, the narrator of the story, Tamara, a 16 year old girl (Often mistaken as 17 by others) described her encounter with a bluebottle. (For those of you who’s completely clueless, it’s a kind of fly) . She said she saw a blue bottle fly and it was whamming itself against the Glass window. It was trying to fly out of the apartment of course, and most probably, it was wondering ” How is it possible that i can’t leave the same way i entered?” However, little did the fly know, and if it flew up just a few more centimetres, it would have been freed as there were openings above the window which was where it came from. Tamara, obviously, pitied the bluebottle and decided to help it by using her finger tips to guide it up the window, but it merely flew away. & then back to whamming itself against the window repeatedly, unaware that continual whamming of head against window pane would lead to a serious case of internal bleeding. Then Tamara thought to herself, and she started to hate God for not providing for her needs and her mum’s . [I forgot to fill you in, but Tamara used to be a spoilt brat.However, after her dad committed suicide with whisky and pills , both mother and daughter were nothing but ruins . Empty soul-less shells. ]  Then Tamara came to a realisation that maybe, just maybe, life wasn’t really such a hell-hole. She could very well be exactly like the bluebottle, helplessly trying to get out from the way it thought it came in from. God, being the hand she used to guide the bluebottle, but it just flew away . Afraid to follow the hand thinking it meant harm and was there to misguide it.

Maybe , i am the bluebottle. Maybe , there was always a hand, I however, being the coward that i am, have failed to let it guide me. Have failed to let my guard down, have failed to trust in ANYONE, not even myself. This bugs me further, because , all in all, failing alot of things really means that i am a failure but am still loved by someone whom i may not have ever trusted. Ever. I don’t know. I haven’t found the guts to trust him yet. Trusting and believing are afterall 2 different things altogether. Sigh.

 

God is real. Or so, they say.

Help me trust in you again, Jesus.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of discipline.

School’s out.

School’s finally out. I’m not as excited as i thought i’d be now that school’s out. I can’t think of anything to rejoice about ): After months of not playing for worship, i am going to resume playing tomorrow.

I am nervous, if not, terrified that i’d be on the drumset tomorrow playing for God to hear. It’s quite scary. It just draws me back to how i felt the very first time i played on the drumset. Gosh, what is happening to me. It’s really scary. I hope my heart would be right for tomorrow. I really do. Screw “i’m afraid of screwing up worship tomorrow” . Yes, screw it. I don’t care if i do. I just want my heart to be right and when i play i think of nothing but Jesus. So really now, all i ask is that i’d be playing for the right reasons.

When you’re young and you want some running around again.

Woohoo.

Two more miserable days before the holidays officially takes its toll on everyone. Somehow, after headstart, i don’t really feel all that into the holiday mood.

It’s true, what they say. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I feel stronger already.  Work was cancelled today! Yipee. It was raining and hence there were lil customers coming in. This allowed me to catch up on some sleep, now i feel energetic as ever. Y’know, sometimes, shopping really is the only remedy(: Mummy’s going to have to pay for alot of stuff soon because i just blogshopped like crazy.  Argh, fuck ladygaga. She’s spoiling my happy mood with her dumb pokerface song, I hate this song as much as i hate the period of time when it was first discovered . Anyws, as i was saying, i have a few newly discovered blogshops.

www.pandaswithpistols.com

www.ohsofickle.com.sg

 

I was really considering blogging about the two links because I DONT WANT YOU ALL TO BUY THEN ICAN’T BUY NEXT TIME COS IT’D BE OUT OF STOCK. Then again, it’s really not for the people who has the “Ah lian” taste, y’know. Seriously. Hoho. It’s more to.. Uhm, idk but just go CHECKITOUT (Don’t buy anything THEIR ALL MINE )

I think i’m really sick of it.

I should not complain. Whatever that has been brought upon me is what i deserve.

I didn’t know how to treasure friendships and i ALWAYS take them for granted. Why the fuck have i not learnt my lesson. Why .

Sex and the City.

I am now watching Sex and the City on HBO for the 3rd time in 3 nights! This is insane. I just knocked off from work. So now, i’m taking some time to chillax (and wait for my hair to dry) before heading to bed.  & i’m watching Sex and the City. It’s really not a bad movie. No, although it sounds like some horny porn shit, it isn’t at all. I think alot of married women or single women could really relate to this show. Anyway, i’m just blogging to keep this page alive. Nothing interesting’s been happening. At least not yet.

One more week till School’s over. And till OBS starts.

ps :see those two gorgeous girls up there? Yes, i wonder what life would be without them.

Oh WOW

Skins is eating me alive.

Sometimes, i try to watch it at a slower pace, because i know that if i don’t , it would all be over too quickly. However, if i don’t speed up my watchin pace, i would just further agitate myself and get killed by curiousity to find out the ending of the season. Don’t you get this all the time? It’s not what that’s waiting at the end that makes you want to die. It’s the journey there that makes you feel like staying alive isn’t worth the torment.

I don’t know.

What i do know is that it’s just me, me and me in school. Alone. Alone. It’s just me.  Screw the ” You are always surrounded by friends in class and during recess!” . Yes fuck that upside down. I am very much as alone as the the yellow paged book with dusty covers awaiting it’s death at the highest unreachable shelf in the old rundown church library. Yes, i am figuratively no different than that.

“Someone who thinks that death is the scariest thing doesn’t know a thing about life” – Death Monk Kidd

A friend. Not.

School’s Shit.

Life’s Shit.

Work’s Good.

Friend’s non-existing.

Wankers everywhere.

Work Work Work. Takes my mind off everything.

 

A friend is someone who knows everything about you and who loves you despite that – Elbert Hubbard

I guess i have none.

Melancholic

Relationships: You tend be quite a bit eccentric with relationships. You tend to choose guys/girls exactly like you, but they do not want to handle your mood swings, and your quiet nature. You will eventually start to give up on potential relationships, but that is not the way to go. You need to find a more caring person in the Phlegmatic category. I know you might not think that a calm personality will do you, but they will handle your charmingly reserved attitude. Individual: As an individual, you tend to be quite moody, unsociable, and quiet. I suspect that something traumatic has lead you in this unstable direction, or friends have influenced it. You need to relax, and just be yourself. (not saying that you aren’t usually yourself) You tend to focus on what others think, even though you project that you don’t care (But you really do). You need to be proud of who you are, and not care about other people. Be yourself, that’s all that counts. General: Melancholic is the personality of an individual characterized by black bile (hence Greek μέλας, melas, “black”, + χολή, kholé, “bile”); a person who is a thoughtful ponderer has a melancholic disposition. Often very kind and considerate, melancholics can be highly creative – as in poetry and art – but also can become overly pre-occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world, thus becoming depressed. The temperament is associated with the season of fall/autumn (dry and cold) and the element earth. A melancholic is also often a perfectionist, being very particular about what they want and how they want it in some cases. This often results in being unsatisfied with one’s own artistic or creative works and always pointing out to themselves what could and should be improved. This temperament describes the depressed phase of a bipolar disorder

My sister’s keeper.

I am posting at the request of the Queen of Hell, Nicole Chan Min Er.

Anyway, i went to TM today. It wasn’t really pleasant cause there were a few girls who need to learn how to grow up. What bitches. I might just slap that new girl one day. Piss me off TTM. Guai Lan Kia. Stop rolling your eyes and giving me that Condescending stare of yours. You look like a goldfish whenever you do that.

On the other hand, i haven’t been sticking to my curfew because i just can’t be bothered. All of a sudden, nothing means a thing to me. Yes. Not even losing a friend. Which , i might add, i just did not too long ago, it was totally uncalled for but since it’s his wish i’ll grant it. I mean, since i’m already immune to all this shit that just keeps falling upon me, what’s another one right? Right?

 

SIGH. 2 more weeks of school .

 

 

“Don’t you dare go there with me! “

“Where am i going?”

 

LMAO.

 

PS: I’ll never remember you.

shittt.

I am currently in a hair salon rebonding my hair. It’s so awesome that this hair salon has wireless sg.

Anyway, it’s back to school tomorrow! Sucks man, i can almost smell the disappointment everyone’s gonna receive tomorrow when they get back their paper. Seriously smanxz. What’s the catch ? We’re all going to die rogether with our knowledge and its not like its going to last forever, so why take it so seriously? Sucks

Anyway, im officialy working agn. Bukit timah is just a 20 minute drive from my
Mum’s house, way more convenient . Just that, id be workin on weds and thurs and suns. Wed and thurs is prolly gonna kill me cos i knock off at 10
So whatever’ just visit me kay
so i wont be so bored that is.